Paul
by Melly1
Summary: Chapter 18 up! Paige remembers high school and the person who helped her through the rough times.
1. chapter 1

        Sitting by the window, I watch the raindrops hit the glass. Gently they roll down the window, flooding the world. Time seems to stop for me, at least for the moment. Plans escape my mind and are replaced with blissful memories. 

        Most of them are about my life as it is now, but occasionally I think about other things. Like the way it was before I came here. Nothing was ever right then, except for him.

        Closing my eyes I can still picture his green eyes staring at me. He was my only true friend, after Glen had left that is. He always brought a smile to my face and lifted my world for awhile. 

        I wonder what he's doing right now, in that special place of his. He was always a bit of a rebel and I expect he still is. Laughing to myself I turn towards my bureau and remove the leather bound journal from the drawer. 

        As I open it the crisp pages, all filled with words leap out and call for me. Willingly I begin to read and remember how it once had been.

**A/N:** Sorry for the short chapter, but this is my way of grasping your attention. Besides, there is another chapter waiting for you all. So please review and let me know what you think of this story. I won't continue unless I get between 6-10 reviews!!


	2. chapter 2

_Journal Entry #1:_

_September 09, 1993___

_        Today was my first day back to the hell hole, better know to most as school. It was generally the same except this time when I walked through the doors I was not accompanied by my significant other, Glen. He got his little @$$ sent to a boarding school in __Europe__ and now I'm here by myself. _

_        I got the same lazy teachers from last year, being as I have to repeat most of my classes anyway. I could swear they were all giving me dirty looks when they read my name off on the attendance list. I could care less what they think. So what if I don't give a  f**k about school. It's not like it's really going to get me anywhere anyway._

_        So the day was looking just miserable, but then the weirdest thing happened. I was at lunch, with all my rebel buddies and this new kid walks right up to our table and sits down. We were all furious that he was trespassing on our cafeteria property. After telling him a thing or two he must have gotten scared and he promptly got up and left. Dismissing it as nothing I went on with my day, forgetting all about the kid._

_        But then during English, he sits right behind me. I could almost feel his eyes drilling into the back of my head. And just as Mr. Gregory was passing out the Rules and Regulations this kid taps me on the shoulder and hands me a note! Reading the front I notice that it's addressed to none other than me! _

_        Now I was creeped out. First of all how did this kid know my name and secondly why was he writing to me. Opening the neatly folded paper I quickly read his letter._

_        Here's the abbreviated version..._

_                First off he thinks I'm a pretty cool person. Secondly he likes my perfume and thirdly he wants to be my friend. Oh and he signed it Paul._

_        Can you believe it? What was this kid's problem? Turning around I ask Paul just that, what he thought he was doing. And very calmly he answers me: "I want to be your friend. You remind me of a girl I used to know back home. You are both really pretty."_

_        Not knowing what to say I turned back around. Paul was really cute and he did have a nice complement to give me, which was always a good bonus with a girl. But still, I couldn't just become his friend. He didn't seem cool enough to join my group. _

_        For the rest of the day I thought about Paul and I'm still thinking about him now. I really want to get to know him, but I'm not sure. It seems too complicated and with me the easier the better. But who knows, tomorrow is another day._

_Sincerely, _

_        Paige _

**A/N:** Hey guys, what to do you think? To let you all know, this is not all going to be the journal. I will switch back and forth. The journals will be titled Journal Entry and the Flashbacks of Paige's high school days with say "Flashback to High School." I doubt I'll talk too much about present day Paige, but if I do it'll say "Present Day." Hope that clears everything up, now please review!! Remember 6-10 reviews or no new chapters!!!


	3. chapter 3

*****Flashback to High School*****

****

        Walking up the path I look around at the kids who lay drunk on the grass. I can just imagine what will happen when they go home. I had luckily mastered the trait of drinking, but obviously some of my classmates were not so successful. I laugh to myself at their utter stupidity and continue up to the door.

        Entering I notice some familiar faces, but one catches my eye immediately. This person was Colin Houston, one of the most gorgeous kids in the school. Ever since I could remember I had fantasized about being Colin's girlfriend and at that moment I made up my mind, by the end of the night Colin was going to be mine. 

        Before making my move I make my way to the bathroom, for a final inspection. Of course the line was huge, which left me only one option, I had to get the opinion of someone else. 

        From the top of the stairs I look down on all the guests, trying to find Paul, my newly acquired friend and trusted confidant. Suddenly I spot him off among the refreshments, aimlessly staring off into space.

        Running towards him I leap up and give him a huge hug, knowing that I needed to get on his good side before I could ask him to critique me. 

        "Hey Paul, what's up?"

        "Oh same old thing, I'm just standing here waiting for some pretty girl to approach me and strike up a conversation."

        "Well I guess your wish came true didn't it!" I laugh.

        "Guess so and how are you Paige?" he asks.

        "Oh I'm good, but you see Paul I kind of need to ask you a favor."

        "What is it? I'll do anything for you, you know that."

        "Thanks! Actually I was hoping you could... well if you wouldn't mind..."

        "What is it Paige?!? What do you want?!?!?" Paul says obviously aggravated with me already.

        "Could you tell me if I look pretty tonight." I blurt out.

        Looking at me Paul says nothing at first. Then, all of a sudden, he responds.

        "Who's this for Paige?" he asks me halfheartedly.

        "What do mean Paul?" I say, feeling bad that I brought him into this.

        "Which guy are you trying to impress?" 

        Hesitating I reply, "Colin Houston."

        "You look gorgeous." He quietly replies, almost as if he wanted to be done with this conversation as soon as possible. 

        Smiling I thank him and make my way to where Colin is assembled with his close friends. Sure I feel bad about having asked Paul and then leaving him alone so abruptly, but it's just what I had to do. Besides, I think to myself, he'll get over it. 

        As I approach Colin I can feel my heart racing a million miles an hour. Taking a deep breath I tap him on the shoulder.

        Turning around he stares at me, almost as if he's trying to match my face with a name. Hating this awkward stare I beat him to the punch.

        "Hi Colin, I'm Paige Matthews. We have chem. together."

        "Oh hi Paige." he replies smiling. I can sense his eyes moving up and down, inspecting every inch of me. Apparently he approved of what he saw because the next thing I knew I was striking up conversations with him and his friends. 

        An hour later Colin told me that he wanted to take me someplace special. Holding onto my hand he leads me towards the pool area. Away from everyone he speaks soft words into my ear as he slowly caresses my hair. 

        The heat and passion between us rises and suddenly our lips meet, in a glorious kiss. Not wanting him to stop I continue, hungry for the love he was giving me. Breaking away from my embrace for some air I look over and notice Paul standing a mere 30 feet from where we were. Flashing him a smile, as my way of telling him thank you I wait for him to give me some recognition that he understood what I was trying to say. However all I see is the miserable expression written all over his face and the single tear that was suspended by his cheek.

**A/N:** So what do you think? Sorry that this chapter was so short and uneventful. I'm just trying to set the scene so I can get to the real point of the story and believe me there really is one. I'm also sorry I didn't add more about how Paige and Paul became friends, if you guys want I could try to make a chapter about that and add it right before this, but the only way I'll know is if you guys review! I only got a few last time and I won't continue with the story unless I get more reviews!! Please, please, please review!!! I'll be lenient and make it 5-8 reviews before I update. So the only way to get to the good stuff is to REVIEW!!!


	4. chapter 4

_Journal Entry:_

_October 6, 1993___

_            I don't understand why Paul is acting so strange. Ever since the party on Friday he hasn't spoken to me much. I've gotten the regular hellos and goodbyes, but that's about it. He no longer asks me what I'm doing tonight, if he could call me or anything like that. I asked him about it and all he told me was that he had to go. He didn't even bother answering me! _

_            I'm really nervous, I keep thinking that maybe something's wrong with him. He had seemed really depressed on Friday, maybe he's thinking of killing himself! Oh God I hope not! I don't know what I would do if my best friend were to die! _

_            Maybe I should invite him to go out to the diner Thursday night and then we can talk. Oh wait, Thursday's Family Night! Yay! Don't you just see how happy I am! Yeah right, I can't stand this anymore! They actually think I want to go! I have better things to do with my time than go to the Italian Restaurant with them. All they ever do during dinner is talk about my schoolwork. How I should be doing so much better in school, how I shouldn't be slacking off. Oh God! They're so pathetic! I can do whatever the hell I want with my life, it's mine! _

_            I'm going to tell them on Thursday that I'm not going with them this time. Paul is much more important to me and I have to talk to him, his life depends on it! I'll invite him to go to the diner with me tomorrow during English. Then I'll tell the folks. _

_            Oh God I hope everything turns out alright…._

_                                    Sincerely,_

_                                          Paige_

**A/N:** Please review!!!


	5. chapter 5

*****Flashback to High School*****

I carefully fold the paper into a nice neat square and pass it behind me to Paul. I can hear him crinkling the paper as he opens it. A few minutes pass and I receive the letter once more. Opening it I see Paul's familiar handwriting along the bottom of the page. 

            _Sorry Paige, I have to study for the math test on tonight.._

        Frustrated I crumble the piece of paper and toss it on the floor. I don't even bother to care that the teacher stopped reading the novel to look over at me. _I can't believe he doesn't want to go to the diner with me. He's making up excuses. Something is SO seriously wrong. I think to myself. _

            Turning around I look into Paul's vibrant green eyes and silently plead with him to reconsider. He just looks at my sadly and shakes his head no. Again I plead, this time almost throwing myself onto his desk. I hear the teacher yelling at me, but I don't bother to turn around. The next thing I know she's standing right in front of us and she's grabbing my arm. I try to push her away but she holds on tighter and continues to talk her psycho babble. I can't hear her and I don't want to, I just keep looking at Paul, trying desperately to figure out what's wrong with him. 

            Finally I couldn't take it and I just ask him.

            "What's wrong Paul? What? Tell me!!!" I yell.

            He looks down to his paper and doesn't say anything. Just then the officer who is assigned to stand outside all the classrooms comes running in. He takes hold of my arm and drags me right off my chair. Knowing I can no longer fight them, I grab my books and follow the officer to the Principal's office. 

*          *          *

            "Mr. and Mrs. Matthews Paige's behavior is totally unacceptable. Her frequent outbursts in class, along with her unexplained absences and the box of cigarettes we found in her locker leave us with no choice but to suspend her until further notice. The school board doesn't want the school to be looked down upon because of the actions some of our students, such as Paige are conducting during school hours. I'm very sorry, but you have to understand this must be done." Principal 

            With grave faces my parents nod their heads and silently leave the office. I hurry back to the chair and away from my position at the door just as they step outside. They look at me disappointed and tell me to get up, that we're leaving. 

            I follow them to the car and get in. I think back to Paul and realize I have to talk to him, regardless of what my parents may think or say. I wait till they're both in the car and then nervously I tell them.

"Mom? Dad? I...umm..."

            "What Paige? What is it now?" my mom says aggravated.

            "I...I can't go to the family dinner tonight." I quickly say, hoping that it would help lessen their anger so that they would be willing to let me skip it this one time. Boy, was I wrong.

            "Miss family night? Are you kidding me?" my dad yells through the rear view mirror.

            "But you don't understand, I have to..."

            "You have to nothing Paige! We're not going to let you do this, family night is the only thing we have left between us and we're not about to ruin it now!" my dad yells turning around for a second to look me straight in the eyes.

            All of a sudden I see a car swerving into our lane.

            "Dad! Look out!" I yell.

            I scream and cover my face as I see the car come in contact with ours. A second later I uncover my eyes to see that I'm lying on the pavement a good 40 feet from the car, which is now up in flames. Crying I try to get closer to the car, but never make it, breaking down on the floor. 

            "Why? Why?" I yell to the heavens. 

            I watch as the car continues to burn and off in the distance I hear the sound of the police cars and ambulance. I hear them approaching me, but I don't dare turn around. I just watch as my parents are taken away from me, forever.

**A/N:** What do you think? Good chapter? Please review! 


	6. chapter 6

*****Flashback to High School*****

Cold and afraid I sit at the police station. A billion cops pass back and forth, each giving me a sympathetic face. Looking at the clock on the wall I notice that it reads 5:30. It had been an hour since it had happened. I could still see the image of the car replaying in my mind, eating away at the last of my sanity. If only I had been a better kid, maybe they wouldn't have been yelling at me. Dad wouldn't have taken his eyes off the road and they'd still be alive. 

            The tears that had stopped falling a while ago came back, this time in a new rush. I lowered my head so that no one would notice, not wanting anyone to approach me, just wanting to be left alone. I hadn't spoken a word since it had happened. The cops asked me questions, wanted to know how it happened, why I had survived. But I wasn't in the mood to answer them, all I wanted was to go home and drown away my sorrows with a nice bottle of Jack Daniels. 

            A young male cop with blonde hair and blue eyes approached me and kneeled down to meet me eye to eye.

            "Hi, you must be Paige. I'm Leo." He said exstending his hand out to me. I didn't take it. Realizing that I was never going to shake his hand he continued on.

            "Well Paige, you see I need to know if you have any relatives you can stay with. We haven't been able to pull up your parents record so we don't know who you'll be able to stay with. Can you maybe give us a number? Or maybe you want to call someone yourself?" he kindly said to me.

            Racking my brain I tried to think of who I could go home with. I really didn't want to stay at my aunt's house knowing that she was going to burst out in tears and ask me millions of questions the second I walked through her door. So who could I stay with? 

            Suddenly I remembered the one person I was so close to, Paul. He would come and take me into his protective arms and I'd be able to heal. 

            "I know who I can call." I whispered.

            Handing me the phone, I slowly dial the numbers. The phone rings three times and then Paul picks up.

            "Hello?" he says.

            "Paul? It's me Paige. Paul I'm at the police station, I need you to come and pick me up."

            "The police station, what are you doing there?" he asks panicked.

            "My parents died in a car accident this afternoon, I survived." I whispered into the phone, almost at the verge of tears. 

            From off in the distance I hear the jingle jangle of his car keys. He comes back on the line and tells me he'll be right over and then he hangs up. Placing the phone back into the receiver I look up at Leo's eyes. He knows I didn't call a relative, yet he doesn't seemed disturbed by that. He just smiles at me and gets up and goes. I sit back in my chair, waiting for Paul.

**A/N:** Hope you like it, much better stuff to come. Please review! I'm only getting one or two reviews for each chapter and I'm kind of upset. If I don't get enough reviews I'll feel you guys don't like this and I'll stop. So please REVIEW!!!


	7. chapter 7

            The small dark green pickup truck rumbles down the street slowly approaching the white house on the corner. The noise seizes as we stop in front of my house. Looking out I notice that all the lights are off and there's no car parked in the driveway. I feel my heart tearing, but choose not to let my emotions spill out until I'm safe within the confinements of my bedroom. However as much as I want to be alone in bed, able to drown out all my sorrows with some sleep I know I can't bear to stay alone. Paul knows it too and he reaches out and lays his hand on my shoulder. 

            "You're welcome to stay at my house tonight Paige. My parents said it was alright. Besides, I'd rather you not stay alone." He softly whispers into the night air, not quite sure if I can really hear him through the pain that rings in my ears. I can hear him though and I nod my head, slowly but surely. 

            "So you'll stay with me tonight?" he says, a bit of excitement in his voice.

            "Yeah Paul, I will." I say as I open the door and make my way up to the front door. 

            Standing there I hesitate to open the door. I know when I walk in the smell of my mom's cooking will not be there. She and my dad will not be sitting at the kitchen table, each engrossed in their own thing. My head tells me to get it over with, that the pain won't be that bad, but my heart says otherwise. It screams for me to stop and turn around, to go to Paul's and wait till tomorrow to confront my fears. I think about it a little bit more, unsure of what to do. Then I hear faint footsteps walking towards me, they belong to Paul. Standing behind me he says nothing, just waits. I feel his breath against my neck. If I don't do it now I never will, I tell myself. So carefully I insert the key in the lock, turn the knob and push open the door. 

            The only thing I'm confronted with is pure darkness. I fumble to find the switch and when I do I quickly turn it on. Light floods the small entry way, allowing me to see my home. I know that soon I will no longer live here and I grow sad once more. Over in the corner I notice the Christmas picture we had taken last year, elegantly sitting on the mantelpiece. The smiling faces of my parents glisten, while my face shows nothing but boredom and misery. I shiver at the way I had been with them, so cruel and mean. Not wanting to take anymore of this self pity I walk up to my room, collect my things and hurry out.

            Once outside I sigh a breath of relief, knowing the worse is over, at least for now. 

*          *          *

            The cold rain hits the back of my shirt, but I don't bother to go back into the house to get an umbrella. I barely bothered to get dressed today for that matter. I look at my watch and notice it's 10:00am. I have 15 minutes to get to the church before the memorial service. I see my aunt running out of the house and towards the car.

            "I'm sorry Paige, I was running a little late." She says flustered. I know she was putting on some makeup to try and cover the dark circles and puffiness that have formed around her eyes, but I also know she won't ever tell me that. She's determined that everything is going to be alright, even though deep down inside she knows it's not true.  

            Opening the car door we both step inside. My uncle puts the car in drive and begins the journey to the end of what had been my normal life. I begin to wonder about everything as I see the scenery before us change with each passing second. I know that I'm to stay with my aunt and uncle for the remaining few years of high school. I think about how difficult it will be for me, to live with people who have barely any impact on my life. It makes me shiver inside, the thought of my life being completely turned around. I remember how it had been just a few days ago, when my parents were alive, and my life for the most part, was intact. 

            We park in front of the church just as some of my other relatives make their way in. They stop to talk to us, but I don't care to answer. I just keep on going. Once inside I sit down in the last pew and watch as people approach my parent's coffins. They're closed caskets, for obvious reasons, yet they still want to look. At what, I don't know. Most of the people I don't even recognize, they're perfect strangers. Among the crowd I try to find a familiar face and I do. I see Paul off in the corner, his head down. I want to walk over to him, but I feel empty and tired. Drained of all life, however I do call to him and he comes. 

            "Paige..." is all he says. He hasn't seen me since the morning after it happened and I can tell he's been worried about me. "I called you but your aunt told me that you didn't want to be disturbed. How are you holding up?" 

            I can't believe my aunt told Paul I didn't want to speak to him! I had told her that I only wanted to speak to Paul. I had yearned to talk to him, to cry over the phone and hear his calming voice tell me it was going to be okay. I had tried to escape, to go see him, but I knew I couldn't. My aunt was already frazzled, I didn't need to add to her stress. But my aunt wasn't the one who mattered now, it was Paul, who was standing before, wanting to know how I was. I could tell him the truth, but not here, not now. I don't want these people to watch me cry, to hear my pain. That's something I need to do when I'm alone, with Paul at my side. 

            "I'm alright." I answer.

            He sits down, "You don't look it." His finger gingerly strokes the bags under my eyes. I haven't slept for days, only Paul has noticed. 

            "It's been rough." I say. I want to tell him more, a lot more, but I can't. If I start to I won't be able to stop and I can't bear to let down my guard just yet.

            "You haven't slept. I bet you haven't eaten either." He says, concerned.

            "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

            "Too late, I'm already worried. I know this is tough on you Paige, but you have to tell someone what you're feeling. Keeping the pain locked up inside is never going to help you heal."

            I nod my head, unable to say anything because of the huge lump that sits in my throat. I feel the tears rushing forward and I try to hide them to no avail. Paul notices and he gently catches a tear as it falls down.

            "It's alright to cry." He whispers.

            "I know... not here though." I choke out, the pain present in my voice. 

            "Then where? Where can I take you Paige? Just tell me and I'll take you there." I want to jump up and hug him, he always knows just what to say. It helps to know I have someone who cares about me and he knows it. 

            "Away, anywhere, just not here. I don't want to be here. I feel suffocated." I barely say and Paul has to come even closer than he already is to hear me. Already I can see people looking over and then talking in hushed voices. They think I don't notice but I do. In a few minutes they'll have told my aunt and then she'll run over and tell me empty words she thinks are going to help, but never do. "Please Paul, let's just go...now!" I plead.

            He looks over and notices the chatter boxes in the corner. Reaching for my hand he gets up and drags me out of the church and towards his car. "Come on I know just where to go."

**A/N:** What'd ya think? Please review and let me know!


	8. chapter 8

            "Paul, where are you taking us?" I ask exasperated, yet thrilled to be doing something adventurous. 

            "Would you quit worrying! I promise, you'll know soon enough and then when we're alone you can tell me anything you want." He says, almost in a crazed like sense.

            "But we are alone!" 

            "Not enough! I want to really and truly be alone."

            I sigh and turn towards to window, knowing that I'll get no real answer from him, no matter how hard I try. The hills that roll before us open up and suddenly I'm surprised to see the ocean. I look down the road and notice that there are miles of ocean ahead of us. We drive for a few more minutes and then Paul pulls onto the beach itself. I'm amazed he's actually doing this, but I go ahead with it anyway. 

            "We're here." He says, stepping out of the truck. He comes around to the other side and opens the door for me, offering his hand to me. Willingly I accept it. Hopping out of the truck, my feet softly land on the fresh sand. I inhale the sweet fragrance of the ocean and let it envelope me, both outside and in. I feel Paul tugging at my hand and I go with him. He finds a quaint little spot, inches from the water and he sits down, dragging me with him. His strong, protective arms move to my waist. I can't help but feel magnificent in this instant, here alone, just Paul and I. 

            "This is so peaceful." I say.

            "Now you know why I brought you here. This is the perfect place for you to tell me whatever it was you couldn't bring yourself to say at the church. I'm all ears, talk away."

            I'm nervous at first, unsure of what to say. There's so much I want to talk about, but where do I start.  "I feel so alone." I whisper into the air.

            "You're not alone Paige, what about me? And your aunt and uncle? You have us."

            "But it's not the same. I love you guys, but I feel just the way I did when I first found out I was adopted. I was scrambling to try and make it right, the fact that I had been left alone. It's as if everyone I ever come in contact with ends up leaving me. It scares me a little."

            "It's alright to be scared you know, but your reason for being scared, well that's not a very just cause. Your birth parents probably gave you up for good reasons, those of which you may never know. As for your adoptive parents, they never meant to leave you and you know it. It was an accident, that's all." 

            "I guess." I mumble, not really believing what I'm saying. We haven't even been talking that long and already I can sense the tears surfacing again. God, I'm so oversensitive!! 

            "Paige! Stop this! I hate the whole martyr  routine you're trying to pull. These things happen, regardless, that's just life for you. But you can't blame it on yourself!!!" 

            "Why not Paul? Why aren't I entitled to just cry away my days and yell at myself for everything! You want to know something," I'm no longer cuddled in his arms, but rather staring at him directly, my face a mask of rage and sorrow, "that day, the day my parents died, we had a huge fight! I didn't want to go to family night because I wanted to go to the diner with you! I wanted us to talk! You had been so distant, I thought you were going to commit suicide or something! My dad was yelling at me because he said I had to go, well it so happened that he also was looking directly at me when he said it. His eyes were off the road and the next thing I knew, there was a car coming in contact with ours. You happy now Paul, the reason my parents died was because I was worried more about you than anything else!!!" I yelled, now crying hysterically. I got up, sand flying in the air, and began to run down the beach. My eyes were too blurry because of the tears and I didn't make it very far. Falling on the sand I grabbed a handful of it and threw it in the air. Maybe I was aiming for the heavens, maybe not. I wasn't really sure. 

            The next thing I knew Paul was hugging me and crying too. The oceans currents began to rise and the water soaked right through our clothes. The fatigue that had been lingering for the past couple of days began to take over. My whole body ached for rest, even just a little. I lay down on the sand, burying my face into Paul's shirt. Closing my eyes, I began to imagine what would happen if during my slumber my body was to drift away with the ocean and end up in a world where my parents were still alive. 

*          *          * 

            _I sit on my bed, talking to Paul on the telephone. We're laughing and having a good time. Suddenly though, the lights begin to flicker and I feel an intense heat all over my body. Looking around I begin to see my room on fire. The flames dance around my furniture, destroying all of it. Two large, human sized flames catch my attention. They don't seem to be burning anything, they just keep approaching my bed. As they begin to get closer they start to morph into people. At first I couldn't make out the people's faces but all of a sudden I realized it's my parents. _

_            "Paige how could you do this to us?" my mom's raspy voice yelled out to me, her flaming finger pointing directly at me._

_            I began to scream but no one could hear me. Off in the distance though I could just make out Paul's voice, calling out to me._

            All of a sudden I open my eyes to see that I'm in Paul's truck. We're pulled over on the side of the road and rain is pelting the windows.  

            "It's alright Paige. You're safe." Paul says, stroking my hair with his hand, worry written all over his face. 

            My hand reaches out for his and when I find it I give it a tight squeeze. My breathing has begun to even, but my mind is still racing a million miles an hour. I know I'm no longer in that dream dimension, but its remnants still linger. I can still feel my body burning up. 

            "Oh Paul, it was so horrible." 

            "What happened to you Paige?" 

            I retell him all the horrible details of my dream and by the end of it I'm crying once again and trembling uncontrollably. All I want to do is go outside and sit in the rain. I'm not quite sure why, but I really want to. So I place my hand on the rusted handle of the truck and open the door. The cold wet rain begins to come into the car, the wind pushing it in. It feels soothing on my aching body. Stepping outside, my bare feet meet with the slushy mud on the side of the road. Normally I would jump right back into the car, but I sort of enjoy this experience with nature. It's as if my whole soul were being cleansed. 

            "Paige! Come on, get back in!!" Paul yells to me, "You're going to get sick!"

            I don't bother to listen to him. I continue to walk through the mud. I look up to the sky and watch as the rain falls, landing continuously on my face. My mascara drips down my face, all the way to my chin. I go to wipe it away, but end up deciding not to. I just let my horrible thoughts of life drift away with the small stream that's beginning to form. I stay there a little while longer and then finally I go back to the truck. 

            I can see Paul's face, like a painting, through the glass of the truck. He seems a bit angry, but mostly upset. I know he worries for me all the time and here I am, making his worries even worse. When I'm safely back in the passenger's seat Paul starts the engine again and pulls back onto the highway.

            "Have fun?" he says.

            "Yeah, I did." I say, leaning back against the chair, smiling. 

            And for the first time in what seems like years, I smile a genuine smile. I look out at the dark sky above us and I pray on an invisible star that my parents are watching me and that they're smiling too. 

**A/N: What'd you guys think? A little too dramatic, maybe too romantic, not romantic enough? You tell me! I'm not getting too many reviews and I don't understand why. I thought this story was actually one of my better ones, but I guess no one seems to be agreeing. I have wonderful ideas on where to go with this story, but unless I get more reviews I'm afraid I'll just stop writing this. At least 4-5 reviews this time, PLEASE!!! I thank all of you who are regular reviewers, you're comments are great, they definitely brighten my day and push me to continue. I know that if I stop writing this those of you who enjoy it will be left without an ending and I'm terribly sorry, but I just can't continue unless I know that this is being enjoyed. I'm serious this time, I want some reviews!!! PLEASE I BEG OF ALL OF YOU!!!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	9. chapter 9

A/N: Sorry for the long time between updates, but I have been working on some of my other stories. Here I am again though!!  
  
GemBem- I am glad to hear tha tyou enjoy this story. I will definitely have a sisterly moment in which Paige talks to her sisters about Paul, but you have to be patient.   
  
SnOwBuNnY- This is not going to be all flashbacks. It will mostly consist of flashbacks but there will be parts in the present time.   
  
Paige Fan- Phoebe and Piper will eventually appear in the story, but not just yet. They don't have much to do with the story, which is why they haven't appeared in it yet. As for Paul's appearance...I can't tell ya whether he will be in the future ot not. First off because that would give away the story and secondly because I honestly don't know yet, LOL. But you'll see...  
  
WARNING: If you are offended or disturbed by sexual scenes I would suggest that you not read this chapter.   
  
And now on with the story...remember you have been warned. ^^  
  
***  
  
Journal Entry:  
  
April, 30 1994  
  
  
  
Last night was the most magical night of my life. It was Paul and my 5 month anniversary. He took me out to an incredibly beautiful italian restaurant. Afterwards we went to the park where we walked around and looked at the stars. The whole night Paul spoke the sweetest words to me. He made me feel beautiful, loved and special. I was so happy...I thought nothing could make the evening better and then somehow something did.   
  
We were on a picnic blanket, which we had laid out on the grass, so that we could watch the stars. I was looking up, telling Paul how I felt so connected to my parents when I saw the stars and suddenly I feel him turning me around to face him. I let him turn me his way and now I am face to face with him. We stare at each other for what seems like hours, the two of us lost in each others eyes. And then, in a flash, his lips meet mine.   
  
It was our first true kiss! We had of course always kissed on the cheek when he would drop me home after the movies or something, but we had never had one of those delicate passionate kisses. He slowly stopped and opened his eyes so that he could look at me. I had no idea what to say so all I did was smile. He smiled back and then he kissed me again.   
  
This time he kissed me a little more intensely. I gladly returned the intensity, that is until I felt his hands traveling from his lap to my blouse, or more specifically the buttons of my blouse. That was when I pulled away.   
  
"Paul I can't." I whispered to him. The feeling of his lips pressed against mine still lingering.   
  
"Why?" he asked puzzled.   
  
"This is going to get too complicated." I replied, knowing I owed him a more valid explanation. But how could I ever tell him that I was scared to have sex with him because I was scared that once he discovered my body, once he entered me, that my chances of loosing him would increase. I already knew that my life was destined to be this way, it was a known fact that once I got truely close to people they would end up leaving me and once again I would end up alone. I had been lucky though, when my parents left I had Paul there to comfort me. However if Paul were to ever leave me I would no longer have anyone to turn to and I just wouldn't be able to deal with that.   
  
"Things are already complicated Paige." Paul whispered in my ear, as he began to nibble on my ear lobe. His soft lips traveled down my neck until they reached the crevice between my neck and shoulder. There he stopped and looked up at me for a second.   
  
Here was my chance, I could turn away, run to the car and end this all right now. I could eliminate the pain, seize it before it even started, but for some reason I didn't. Instead I nodded, ever so faintly and I began to help him unbutton my blouse.   
  
Slowly I felt the delicate material of my blouse slip down my shoulder blades. I helped glide the rest of the blouse through my arms and before I knew it my blouse was nothing but a heap on the grass. Paul began to take his hands and explore the canvas of my upper body. He was discovering every curve, every groove, every mark on my precious body. I felt a tingle run up my spine and that was when I knew this was different than the times I had "made out" with Colin. This was special, this was unique, this was wonderful. I felt like clay in a sculpture's hands, a feeling that I enjoyed.   
  
I let Paul explore for awhile and then I went about removing his shirt. I unfortunately wasnt as patient as he was, so instead of unbuttoning each button I just unbuttoned one and then pulled. I heard the quiet snap of the buttons and the faint jingle they made as they hit the grass. I pulled off his shirt and was surprised to find that Paul was in fact very muscular. I ran my index finger down his chest, feeling his muscles contract.   
  
Next to go was Paul's pants and my skirt. Now I lay, completely nude, except for my bra and panties, on the warm picnic blanket. I was glad that we had picked the quieter part of the park because I could have just imagined what people what have thought if they had seen us.   
  
I lay there for a little while, just looking at Paul, who continued to kiss me. He must have planted a kiss on every part of skin that was exposed to him. But soon he got a little curious. He gently lifted me up off the blanket and pulled me to him. I was so close I could hear his heart beat. We stayed like this for a few minutes and then he reached for my bra, ready to remove it. I didn't know whether to stop him or not, but I figured that if I had gone this far, letting him remove my bra was not such a big deal. So I let him.   
  
His hands grabbed for my breasts and held onto them, as if they were two delicate flowers that he held in his hands. He was very cautious about what he was doing, even if he knew that I was okay with him to do what he felt. Soon he was holding them in such a way that all I wanted to do was scream. Scream in pleasure, scream in delight, scream in utter thrill. And after awhile I could no longer control myself and so I screamed. I screamed loud. Paul got frightened though and quickly put his hand over my mouth.   
  
"Not so loud..." he whispered.   
  
I just nodded, too embarassed to say anything.   
  
What I did feel like doing was seeing a little bit more of Paul however. I mean what I was seeing of him right now I could see if we went to the beach. I wanted to be able to see ALL of him. So gently and slowly I brought my hands to the edge of his boxers. I quickly yet delicately pulled and soon his boxers were off and I was staring nothing but Paul's "family jewels". Paul noticed and I could feel his face heating up against my chest. I wanted to laugh and tell him that I was perfectly fine with it, that I was rather impressed, but I figured I shouldn't, so I didn't.   
  
It had to have been a good two hours that we spent, each exploring the body of the other. And soon we felt comfortable enough to continue. Gradually Paul began to slip off my underwear. And in a minute or two they were gone. I felt a cold breeze pass through the air and I shivered under his grasp. He thought he had done something wrong and began to pull himself away from me, but I grabbed onto his arms and pulled him back. I began to kiss him, fiercly this time. I figured if we were going to do this, we might as well do it in a "hot and heavy" fashion.   
  
I don't quiet remember much of what happened, I only remember feelings. The feeling of apprehension as he entered me, that peak moment when I couldn't help but scream his name out to the world (this time he didn't stop me either) and the feeling of wonderful overwhelming love when it was all over.   
  
I lay in Paul's arms afterwards, looking up at the stars. He was softly making circles in my stomach with his index finger. Even a feeling as simple as that felt magnified. It was magnificant. I felt so great and comfortable. I was so content in fact that I felt my eye lids slowly growing heavy and just before I was sure I would doze off I looked at Paul and saw him smile at me.   
  
A long time later I was awakened to the gentle feeling of warmth around my body. Peeling my eyes open I saw Paul, standing before my, wrapping me up in a blanket.   
  
"Hey baby...sorry I woke you." He said.   
  
"It's okay...I am just happy I woke up to see your face." I replied.  
  
"Haha...well how about you get dressed and then we'll get back in the truck and I'll drive you home. It's almost 2am and I have a feeling your aunt is going to be worried."   
  
Even now, instead of thinking of himself, he thought about what my aunt would say. He was so sweet, I thought to myself at that moment.   
  
"It's okay, I'll call her and tell her that we are going to a club and won't be back till 4 or 5 am. That way we can both go in the truck and sleep for awhile...in each others arms." I said, not wanting to leave his sight.   
  
He just nodded, handing me my shirt and skirt.   
  
We went back to his truck and slept there till like 5:30am. I think all that action had worn us out. When I woke up I was frantic because I had told my aunt that I would be home at 5am. Paul had calmed me down and he told me that he would tell my aunt that we encountered some traffic on our way back. I thanked him profoundly and then we drove to my house.   
  
Standing in front of my house I thanked him for a magnificant evening and asked him to forgive me for ruining his shirt. He laughed and told me it was no big deal, that it was worth it. Then he kissed me. We kissed for what seemed like hours and I was torn between going back inside and jumping into the truck and running away with Paul. But I knew what had to be done so I thanked him again and left.   
  
Now here I am...feeling just as great as I did yesterday, well techincally today. I can't wait to go see Paul later this afternoon. I long to feel his arms around me, I long to hear his husky voice, I long to feel his precious kisses on my lips. I long for everything that is Paul!!!!   
  
Sincerely,   
  
Paige  
  
A/N: Please review!!!!! Oh and I am so sorry that the journal entry wasn't in italics this time but I am on a different computer that does not let me italic anything. 


	10. chapter 10

**A/N: **Another chapter!! Yay!! Sorry it took me so long you guys but I've been really busy. 

Thanks to all the reviewers: **GemBem, ****Dragonflyz, ****ProtectionPaige**

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Oh and just to let you guys know…I'll probably be adding the sister moments in the next few chapters or so, probably chapter 12 and 13 they should start coming up. Of course I can't guarantee anything but that is my intention as of right now. 

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And now on with the story…

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***Present Day***

            Finishing the entry Paige quickly closed the book. Sure she still had plenty of pages left, but she just couldn't go any further. She knew exactly what she talked about next and she just wasn't sure she was ready to reread that. Let alone relive all the feelings she experienced back then. What she had read so far had brought back such memories that Paige's head danced with thoughts of high school. Some happy, some sad, some just plain confusing, but they all were just too much for her to handle right now. 

            Tossing the book across the room it landed beside an empty canvas, one that Paige looked forward to filling with paint the second she could get a chance.

            But what better time than the present she thought to herself as she got up off the bed and made her way to the canvas. Gently she picked it up and set it atop the isle. She collected her paints and began. 

            The brush delicately touched the white canvas leaving a light blue streak.

            Paige wasn't really sure what she was going to paint, but she just had an urge to paint. After all, that had been her only true way of dealing with mixed emotions, since as long as she could remember...

***Flashback***

            The vibrant red paint splashed the canvas forming a magnificent blend with the oranges and yellows. Everything about this painting seemed to scream masterpiece, I however was not happy with it. Nothing seemed to look right to me. 

            Maybe it was because I didn't really enjoy what I was painting, or maybe it was because my head was filled with too many thoughts for me to really concentrate on what I was doing. 

            Suddenly, as I was about to go into a complete daze, I hear the door of my bedroom creak open. 

            Turning around I see Paul. 

            "Hey!" he says, walking up and kissing me. 

            "Hi..." I respond, going back to my painting.

            "Well I know that beach for sure!" he said excitedly. 

            I was completely clueless as to what beach he was talking about.  "You know this beach?"

            "I better know it. It's where I took you that day of your parents' funeral." 

            Suddenly it hit me. Ohmigod, he was right. It was that beach. I can't believe I didn't realize it as I was painting. I must have painted it because of something I had buried deep in my subconscious. I prayed that Paul hadn't noticed that I hadn't remembered, but I was wrong. 

            "Paige are you telling me you don't remember? That you didn't paint this with the intention of painting that beach?" Paul asked puzzled.

            "Umm...." I didn't know what else to say. I knew I couldn't get out of this one.

            "You are kidding me?" He said sounding hurt.

            "I'm...I..."

            "Paige...is everything okay?" 

            "Umm...yea why do you ask?" 

            "Because you've been absent from school a lot lately and you're forgetting all about our day at the beach...and I don't know...you just seem...different." 

            "It's nothing...my thoughts are just all over the place lately." 

            "You can talk to me you know? I'm here for you. I always have been and just because we are dating now doesn't mean that's changed." 

            "Uh-huh, I know." I said, looking to the floor. 

            "You sure?" He said, placing his hand on my chin and lifting my head to face him. 

            I just nodded, feeling too weak to say anything. 

            He nodded back and went to sit on my bed. 

            "Now come here. Let's talk." He said, patting the spot next to him.

            Dropping my paints, I walked over and sat down. I knew I had to talk to him. There were too many things floating in my head for me to just keep it all to myself anymore. I had to tell someone, if I didn't I was liable to kill myself from all the emotions. 

            I laid down and he went down with me, intertwining his arm in mine and grabbing my hand. Giving it a tight squeeze I knew I was ready. 

            Taking a deep breath I began...

            "You know how I haven't been to school in a few days..."

            "Yea?" He said, waiting for me to continue.

            "Well I think something is wrong." 

            "Wrong? Like what?" 

            "Well I've been feeling really tired all the time, my head hurts constantly and I've been vomiting on and off all day long." 

            Paul was no longer laying down, he was sitting up, staring down at me, concern written all over his face. "Have you gone to the doctor? To see what's wrong?"

            "No...not yet. My aunt is supposed to take me tomorrow morning to get some blood work done, but I don't want to go..."

            "Why? Don't you want to know what's wrong? Paige you could be sick...we need to know what's going on."

            "I know...but...I'm scared about what they are going to tell me." I began to say, tears clearing trying to escape my eyes.

            "Paige, it's going to be okay. Come here." He said, opening his arms. I fell into them and stayed there for what seemed like hours, just taking comfort in the feel of his arms around me. 

            "Paul?" 

            "Yea...?"

            "Can you come with me tomorrow? Please..." I begged.

            "Okay...I'll come with you. Don't worry, it'll all be okay." 

            "I sure hope so..." I whispered into his shirt.

**A/N:** What do you guys think? Was it a good chapter? Please review and let me know. I already wrote the next chapter so the faster I receive those reviews the faster I'll post it. I hope to get 3-4 reviews and then I'll post the new chapter. So REVIEW!!!    


	11. chapter 11

**A/N: **Yay!! I am so excited!! Less than a week and a new chapter!! You guys were awesome with all the reviews!! I'm so happy right now!! Yay! Yay! Yay! 

Anyway to answer some of your questions…

**Charmed Writer P4: **I'm so happy you love this story!! You like the name Paul huh? LOL…I used to like it a lot too…which is exactly why I chose it…haha. Anyway, there will be sister moments really really soon…I promise. But thanks for hanging in there and reading all this stuff until the sister moments come. Oh and I promise that I will make sure that when I update with a sister moment I write: _updated w/ Sister moment!!...just so you know….LOL._

**MelodyFaith: **Hey! I'm really sorry that I didn't explain more how they became such good friends. If I can I'll try to squeeze it in during a sister moment; when she goes into explaining Paul to them or something. But thanks for the complaint, I love to hear what you guys think…good or bad, cause it helps me grow as a writer. 

And to **P3Halliwell1329,**drew **and **anna: **Thanks for reviewing guys!! I'm so glad to hear you are loving this story!!! It offers me more of a motivation to continue it. **

And now on with the story….

*          *          *

Sitting in the small white room, I fidgeted with the ridiculous gown they had me put on. I always hated hospitals, but I especially hated them when I was the one being poked and prodded at. From the glass window I could see Paul and my aunt looking in. They were talking to each other and I wondered if they knew something I didn't. 

            I had been in here for hours now, without a word being said to me the entire time. They would just tell me what they were about to do and then do it. That's it. Nothing more. There was no friendly chit-chat. 

            And to be honest I was going insane, I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to know what was wrong with me and get it done with. I wanted to be able to go home, put on my pajamas and crawl into bed. I was beyond exhausted and I just wanted this day to be over with. 

            From the window I saw Paul wave and blow me a kiss. I blew him a kiss back and he made believe it had hit him in the heart, as he pretended to keel over. I silently laughed...my sweet Paul, I could still not believe he had come here with me. He was so incredible. All day long he had stood by that window looking in at me and making me giggle. I was sure he knew I was dying in here, having to sit all alone. His small little gestures were enough to cheer me up, at least a little. 

            While I was trying to tell him with hand gestures that I wanted to go home I saw him turn around. Seconds later my aunt, Paul and a doctor walked through the door. 

            "Hello Ms. Matthews." The doctor said. 

            I looked him over once. I definitely had not seen him all day and I was wondering if his presence meant something good or bad. 

            "How are you feeling?" he asked.

            "Tired...I just want to go home." I said, sounding miserable.

            "Oh...well it's to be expected." 

            "Why is it to be expected? What's wrong with her?" Paul asked. 

            "Umm...well how about Ms. Matthews changes back to her clothes and we'll go into my office and discuss the results of all the tests." 

            And just like that, having left us with a thought that some soon to be known illness was plaguing me, he left the room. 

*          *          *

The tiny office was filled with pictures and diplomas.  There were also all kinds of books in a shelf right behind his desk. A nice little nameplate sat on his desk, reading Dr. C. Troy. So that was his name. Next to the nameplate I saw a box of tissues and I wondered how many times that tissue box had been used in the last month. I pictured thousands of people receiving horrible news and having to reach over and grab a tissue as the tears of angst began to run down their faces. I saw old people learning they had Alzheimer's, I pictured grown men and women learning they had cancer, I pictured small children learning they had leukemia. Just the thought of all those sad people brought tears to my eyes. I could only imagine the infinite number of illnesses that I could possibly have. 

            And as Dr. Troy entered the room and closed the door quietly behind him I braced myself. I could feel my heart pounding a million miles an hour and I was happy to know that I was in a hospital because I was sure that I would keel over and die right here. 

            "Okay, now that we are more comfortable, let me introduce myself to Paige. Paige I am Dr. Troy, nice to meet you." He said, extending his hand out for me to shake it. I did, but I was sure that he could feel the tremor in my hands.

            "So Dr. Troy, what's wrong with her?" my aunt asked, barely above a whisper.

            "Well Paige...I don't know how else to say this except...congratulations, you're pregnant!"  Dr. Troy said smiling. 

            "SHE'S PREGNANT!!" My aunt yelled, furious. "But how can that happen, she's never had sex!!!"

            "Umm...well maybe you'd like to discuss that with Paige because she most certainly has had intercourse." 

            "Paige? Tell Dr. Troy that you've never had sex... come on!! Tell him!! Tell him that his diagnostic is wrong!!" my aunt said, going hysterical.

            "I...I can't do that." I whispered, still in shock.

            "You what?!?!....Who was it?!?!? Who impregnated you??" 

            I looked over at Paul, he had his head down, looking at his lap. I wasn't sure if it was him, but it would make the most sense. He had been the last one I had had sex with. 

            "I...I....I think...I think it was...Paul." 

            "Paul?!?!?" my aunt said, getting up out of her chair and towering over Paul. 

            I would have figured that Paul would have looked up, but he didn't. His gaze remained on the floor. 

            "Paul answer me!! Did you and Paige have sex?" 

            "Yes ma'am." He said quietly. 

            My aunt got so furious she ran right out of the room, slamming  the door behind her. 

            So there I stood, a soon to be mother, with a boyfriend who hadn't spoken a word since he found out he was going to be a father and with a doctor who I was sure thought my family was crazy. I had an aunt who was furious with me, an uncle who was sure to find out about the whole ordeal in a few minutes and who would also become angry. And I was sure that I would get kicked out of my house. But I didn't think about any of that, I thought as I stood there, tears formulating in my eyes...I guess this is another reason to have to use those tissues. And I bent down and grabbed one.  

**A/N:** Review!!


	12. chapter 12

**A/N:** Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I have updated but school's been SUPER hectic so I have had no time. But here I am finally with a new chapter!! There is a little bit of a sister moment in this chapter…yay (I know you've all been begging for one)!! 

****PRESENT DAY****

            "What time is it?" Phoebe asked yawning. 

            "It's…" Piper said, looking at her watch, "11pm."

            "Eleven already…I didn't even realize it, what with the movie being so interesting."

            "Yea, it was a pretty good movie wasn't it." Piper responded. 

            "Paige should have seen it with us…she would have loved it."

            "Yea…speaking of Paige, where has she been all day? She went up when it started raining because she got a migraine but I was sure she'd be down by now. I mean after all she must be hungry, she didn't even have lunch."

            "Hmm…you're right, she has been sort of quiet up there. Want to go check on her, make sure she's alright?" Phoebe suggested.

            "Sure, come on." Piper said, getting up of the couch and making her way towards the stairs. 

            Phoebe quickly followed. Forty steps later they were in front of Paige's door. 

            "Maybe we shouldn't go in. What if she's sleeping?" Piper whispered. 

            "Oh Piper, come on!!" Phoebe said, pushing Piper aside and carefully opening the door. 

            Stepping inside the room Phoebe let out an anguished gasp, which immediately sent Piper running into the room. However, before Piper could ask Phoebe what was wrong she stopped, too stunned to say anything. 

            Paige's room was in shambles. On the floor beside the bed lay a canvas with a rip down the center. All over the floor lay paints and brushes. Paige had her two bedside lamps on and was huddled among a pile of pillows and blankets. Tissues lay all over the floor beside her, alongside notebook pages that seemed to have been ripped out. By the looks of things it seemed Paige was experiencing a nervous breakdown. 

            Seconds passed in which Piper and Phoebe barely breathed, hoping that Paige would turn around and confront them for being in her room, therefore lessening the stress of the task they knew they had to do; providing solace for a sister who was apparently grieving. 

            However, Paige never turned towards them. In fact she seemed to not even realize they were in the room. All she did was rock back and forth, sobs escaping her lips every once in awhile, the only sign Piper and Phoebe had that she was still alive. 

            They watched for a few more seconds and then Phoebe crept towards the bed, determined to find out what was wrong with her sister. Getting up to the side of the bed, she carefully got up on it and slide over towards Paige, wrapping her arms around her sister's shaking body.

            "Paige, honey, what's wrong?" Phoebe whispered in Paige's ear. 

            Piper held her breath from her position in the middle of the room. She hoped her sister would say something, anything. But she didn't. She just lay there, sobbing. Finally Piper couldn't take it, kicking aside some of the fallen art supplies she moved towards Paige. Gently she slid her hands under Paige's frame and lifted her up. 

            "Get off of me." Paige hissed, barely audible. 

            "No Paige, I won't. Clearly something is wrong with you. Phoebe and I are both worried and we are going to stay here and help you until you tell us what is wrong."

            "I don't want to talk about it…just leave me alone!"

            "Paige, honey, come on, just tell us what's wrong…" Phoebe said, trying to get something out of her distressed sister.

            Paige thought about what she should say. Should she tell her sisters about Paul, about why she felt like such a wreck? Or should she just turn over and ignore them, only to hope that they in fact stayed in the room, just without uttering a word to her? On the other hand she understood why they would want to know and she couldn't bear to see them suffering because of her internal pain. Besides, maybe it would help her to let some of it out.

            "Paul." She choked out, slowly.

            Piper and Phoebe looked at each other, confused. Who was this Paul character and why had he made Paige so upset?

            _"Was he her boyfriend?" Phoebe mouthed to Piper._

            Piper shrugged her shoulders, unsure of the answer to Phoebe's question.

            "He was my boyfriend…" Paige responded, knowing full well that Phoebe and Piper were probably wondering, "in 1994." 

            "I…I don't understand…" Phoebe said.

            Rummaging behind her Paige withdrew a tattered leather bound book. 

            "I found this today. It was my old diary, back when I first met Paul…."

            Now Piper and Phoebe understood, Paige was reading her old diary and re-experiencing all the emotions she felt back then. In other words it was as if she were watching an old home video in her head. 

            "Paige, do you want to tell us what was so special about Paul? Why he's making you so upset?" Piper asked.

            "I'm not really sure how we grew so close as friends, and how from that grew a romantic relationship. I met him on the first day of school…I had to be a sophomore by then, maybe even a junior, I can't really remember. Anyway, I really thought he was quite odd and had no interest in him, but he was determined to become friends with me. He used to hang out with all my friends and I don't know, I guess eventually I got used to him and our friendship grew strong.

            "He was always there for me, no matter what. I would talk to him about everything and anything. He even helped me to try and move on after my parents had died. And I guess that's when we started getting romantically involved. We were spending so much time together and we both knew we liked each other, so one day we just both told each other how we felt.

            "We had been going out for a few months when Paul took me on this incredible date, I mean magnificent. He took me to this fancy restaurant and then to the park. While we were at the park though we umm….well we made love. It was the first time I had ever had true sex and it was so special, it was so special in fact that we both must have forgotten to use protection because three months later I found out I was….pregnant…" Paige choked out, nearly close to tears.

            Piper and Phoebe didn't utter a word. They had no idea what to say. Paige had never told them that she had been pregnant. Had she given the baby up for adoption? Had she had an abortion? What? 

            "So what did you do with the baby?" Phoebe inquired, almost scared to hear the answer.

            "Well Paul and I didn't talk for a while, I think about a month. My aunt and uncle were furious that I had gotten pregnant and we were ready to throw me out on the street, but when they found out that Paul wasn't going to take me in they offered to let me stay a few weeks until I could find some other place to live. It was horrible, knowing that they didn't want me, but I hoped they would change their minds and see that I had no place to go and needed them to help me support a baby. They didn't though…"

****

****FLASHBACK****

            "Aunt Sue, Uncle Tom…please just let me stay until the baby is born!! I have no place to go!! Please!!" 

            "You were stupid and you got yourself pregnant…now deal with it." My uncle said, practically pushing me out the door. 

            On the front porch sat one large suitcase and a few small shopping bags; that was my life all wrapped up. Today I was to leave my aunt and uncle's house and try to find some place to live until I could give birth. I planned on going to Paul's house, but who knew where that would lead me.

            I turned towards my aunt and uncle once more, hoping they would change their mind in this split second, but they didn't. I could see the tears forming in my aunt's eyes and how she forced herself to look away from me, in order to lessen the pain of the act she was about to commit. 

            "Goodbye Paige." My uncle said, hugging me.

            "Bye." I whispered in his ear, tears beginning to surface to my eyes.

            "Bye Paige." My aunt said quickly. I went towards her, ready to receive a hug, but instead she ran back into the house. 

            I moved towards the suitcase and the bags and picked them up, making my way down the stairs. I looked back one more time at my aunt and uncle's house before I made my way down the street, in route to Paul's house. 

**A/N:** More to come soon!! Review and let me know what you thought…whether it's to tell me something good or bad!!!


	13. chapter 13

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who is reviewing…you guys make it that much easier for me to write this story with the emotions and feelings I think it deserves!! 

The white house with the green shutters seemed solitaire when I approached it later that afternoon. The sun was close to setting and I hoped that Paul and his family had yet to sit down for dinner. I tried to tell myself that I wanted that because I didn't want to be disrespectful, but who was I kidding, I knew I needed to eat and catching them before dinner would allow me food. Food which I hadn't had since breakfast and something that was direly important to an expecting mother. 

Dropping my bags on the porch I brought my finger to the doorbell. I went to ring it and then suddenly stopped, scared of what was awaiting me behind this door. I hadn't talked to Paul since the day I found out I was pregnant and I was a bit nervous as to what his reaction to me would be. I was well aware that his parents knew, as when I had made an effort to call Paul they had nicely hung up on me. I also knew through some of our mutual friends that Paul was scared to death of being a father, accounting for his sudden ignorance of me. So did these few weeks of no connection make him more prepared, or was he going to slam the door in my face the second he saw me? There was only one way to find out.

Seconds passed after I rang the bell and I soon began to make the assumption that maybe no one was home. I could leave, but I didn't.  After all, I really had no place to go and this was my only option…well except for a nice box I saw in an alley on my way over, but I wasn't really in the mood for that. 

Suddenly, I began to hear footsteps. Moments later Paul came to the door, his face looking flushed. I wondered if he had been running or if it was because he had known I was at the door and was contemplating whether or not to get it. I ruled out the latter only because I knew I needed to stay strong at this moment and thinking that Paul didn't want to see me wasn't going to help any.

            "Paige." He uttered softly.

            "P…pa…Paul…" I stuttered, feeling my heart stopping as I looked into the eyes of the one who I loved more than life itself. Until this moment I hadn't realized how much I had missed him nor how much I had needed him to be there for me through this hard time.

            "Paige what are you doing here?" he asked, clearly confused, "You look horrible." He said the second part quieter.

            "I…umm…my…umm…my uncle and aunt kicked me out of their house." I quickly spitted it out as the tears formed in my eyes.

            "They what? Why?" Suddenly the concern in his face shown through and I felt my heart soar just a little because I knew he cared about me, if even for a second.

            "They were upset because of…of…" I couldn't finish, instead I looked down to my stomach which was getting larger by the day and which I knew would soon be something I couldn't hide behind baggy sweaters. 

            "Oh. That…" 

I nodded, the tears no longer staying at bay, but instead running down my face. I waited for Paul to take me in his arms but instead I saw him move next to me and grab the bags I had left on the porch. 

            "Come on, let's go to my room."

*           *           *

            Closing the door behind him Paul turned around and embraced me in a death grip of a hug. I could feel his arms trembling as he held me and I felt his salty tears hitting my neck and shoulder.

            After a few minutes of us crying and hugging he let go and looked me in the eye. He smiled one of his genuine Paul smiles and then led me to his bed. Sitting me down, he sat beside me and nervously took my hand in his.

            "Paige…I…I don't know what to say. I can't believe you would come here after what a jerk I've been. I…I'm so sorry. I would have talked to you, but I was scared. I…I don't know how to be a father and I couldn't take that responsibility. I had planned on going to college and then getting married a few years after school before even beginning to think of children. I just didn't know what to say to you and then when I was ready my parents wouldn't let me and I didn't want to talk in school because this is between us…so yea…what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry and I've been a jerk, but I've come to terms with all that and I'm ready to start a life with you and have this baby."

            I sat there stunned. I hadn't thought about whether or not I wanted to keep this child and the thought that Paul had made the choice for me was unsettling to say the least. I was hoping to discuss it with him but instead I felt like I had been closed off from the whole matter.

            "Well I forgive you Paul, but I just think we should talk about all the options we have for this baby before we go running off to Babies R' Us to buy a crib."

            "You mean you don't want to keep it?!?!" 

            "I mean we should talk about it, make sure it's the best choice."

            "But Paige come on, it's our baby. Why would you want to give it to someone else?"

            "I'm not saying we should give it to someone else."

            "An abortion? Are you crazy? No way!! I am not letting you do that!!"

            "NO! I am not going to have an abortion, but even if I wanted to I don't think it's your decision to make!!" I yelled, beyond furious at this point.

            "It is so my decision…it's **_OUR_** decision!!"

            "Exactly, it's _our_ decision which is why we should take about whether we should keep the baby or put it up for adoption."

            "Adoption are you crazy? Listen to yourself!! You are honestly considering giving our child to some stranger?!?!?"

            "Okay you make it seem like adoption is a sin. It's not!! Look at me…my adoptive parents were the greatest people in the world!! They loved me and took care of me as if they had me. I lived happily and I'm okay."

            "But Paige come on. Before I knew you, you were drinking at least 5 times a day, smoking, cutting class…is that a good childhood?"

            "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? You are judging me?!?! I can't believe you!! I can't believe I heard that come from your mouth!! And here I thought you were a good person…and that I could come to you and you would be supportive. Who was I kidding?" I yelled, getting up of the bed and making my way to the door. But before I could make it there I felt a tug in my abdomen and went crashing towards the floor in pain. In seconds Paul was at my side, rubbing my stomach and lifting me up off the floor. 

            "I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry _again._ I'm just stressed out, I've been saying things I don't mean lately. Now take a deep breath, are you okay?" Paul asked, looking into my eyes, concerned.

            "I'm fine…" 

            "Okay, come on. You look exhausted and that isn't good for you or the baby. Now lay down and try to rest for a little while. I'm going to go talk to my parents about you staying here and I'll be back up in a little while."

            "Paul?" I asked weakly as he set me down atop some pillows. 

            "Yeah?" 

            "When you come back can you bring me something to…umm…eat…? I'm really hungry." I said shyly.

            "No problem babe. I'll come back with dinner for three." He said leaning down and planting a soft kiss on my lips.

            "Three?" I asked, as I began to fall into sleep and the image of Paul became blurry and appeared to me through only a slit.

            "You, me and the baby." He whispered.

**A/N:** Okay so what'd ya think? I know there really wasn't a lot to this chapter but I still need your feedback. So come on review!! Make me happy, give me inspiration!!! 


	14. chapter 14

**A/N:** Got to love the days of from school that allow me to catch up on all my stories!! Yay!! Anyway, after the overwhelming response I got to the last two chapters I had to update soon so here's another chapter for all of you!! Thank you SO SO SO SO much for reviewing!! You guys rock…without you there would no longer be a Paul. 

Now on with the story…!!!

x          x          x

            Taking the mirror off the inside of my locker I tossed it in the bag with all the other things. Looking into the locker I realized that was the last of it. Grabbing the bag from the floor I gently closed the locker and turned around. 

            My eyes wandered all over the hall, to the stairs that looked to be falling apart, to Mrs. Owens classroom across the way in which I had spent many a day learning about Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson. I even looked at the dirty green lockers, most of which had been grafitied to say things such as "Tom loves Emily" or "Gary's Gay". I sighed as I looked at it all, knowing that tomorrow morning instead of going here I'd be looking for a job. 

            Paul and I had discussed what I would do after I left school and that was what we had both mutually agreed to; I would leave school and find a job until the baby was born, then I would stay home with it through the summer and in September I would start school again and try to finish so I could get into college. This plan had been discussed however at 2am when I had awaken because of back pains, so I wasn't at my best at that hour and probably wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement otherwise. 

            I was still standing strong with our "let's discuss all the options" plan and Paul had moved right past that to "we are keeping this baby".  I at times felt as though he and his parents were deciding the course of my life. I felt shut out all the time. I still wondered why Paul's parents didn't agree with me, seeing as how they didn't really want a grandchild, but then I realized that Paul's mother is a devoted catholic woman and Paul's father is afraid of Paul's mom therefore taking her side even if he doesn't agree. I know in reality that Paul's dad likes me, that he agrees with my way of thinking and it saddens me that he, just like I, can't say what he really thinks. But it's nice sometimes when I'm home alone and he gets home from work and comes upstairs to see how I am and offer me some cookies with milk…I just wish he could do it in front of his son and wife. But I guess that's not my place to say anything. 

            Suddenly, I feel a pair of arms wrap around me and turn around to see none other than Glen. 

            "Glen?!?!' I gasp, totally surprised. 

            "Paige!! Hey!! I just got back, can you believe it?!?!? My parents transferred me back here for the rest of the year because I was doing miserable in military camp, being away from my friends and all. So anyway, what have you been up to lately, we haven't talked in months."

            "Wow, you sure have missed a lot." I said softly, still shocked to see Glen standing in front of me, a whole year and a half older than the last time I had seen him. Not to mention he knew nothing about Paul or the baby and last time I had been with Glen we were involved in a pretty heavy relationship. 

             "I bet I have, so come on, tell me!!" 

            "Well, you heard about my parents right? I sent you a letter telling you…"

            "Yea I heard, that's a shame, they were great people. I loved them like parents. God bless their souls."

            "Yea…anyway, a few months after they died ummm…I well…." I put the bag on the floor and opened my jacket, revealing my belly, which was clearly visible now that I was six months along. "Surprise!!"

            "Your pregnant?!?!?!?!?" Glen asked, clearly shocked.

            "Yep." 

            "By whom?" Glen asked, eyes widening.

            "Paul…" I said, clearly knowing his next question was going to be whose Paul.

            "Paul who?"

            "He moved here the year you left. We were friends at first and then we started dating and I don't know, we got pregnant and my aunt and uncle kicked me out of the house and I'm living with him and his parents." I said calmly. I almost wanted to laugh at how easily I said that, when as all that had been going on I had cried hysterically. At least I could be happy that my mood swings were under control for the moment. 

            "Does he treat you and the baby well? Are you happy with him? Does he love you?" Glen shot out questions like bullets, wanting to know all about Paul, as if I had just confessed that he was a crazed killer. 

            "He's really sweet and yes I love him and he loves me. He treats me and the baby like porcelain dolls and although it can get annoying at times, I know he means well and I like that he cares that much, seeing as how my family doesn't. Besides, now that we talk about family, he's the only family I have anymore and I'm thankful for him, because if I wasn't living with him I'd be on the streets right now and the chances of my baby surviving wouldn't be too high." I said, now close to tears as the realization of things finally hit me. All this time I had never really realized how lucky I had gotten. At least my baby and I weren't dying on the streets.

            "That's good. I'm happy for you." Glen said, pain written all over his face. He looked down at his watch. "Well I best be going, I have to get a locker assigned to me and get my schedule before Mr. Henken leaves for the day. Call me some time okay, maybe you Paul and I can have lunch. I'd like to meet him some time. And if you need anything you know where I am and don't hesitate to call. Let me know when the due date start approaching, I want to make sure I can see you and the baby in the hospital. Okay?"

            "Okay." I whispered, as he made his way down the hall. And as he left, although I should have felt nothing I couldn't help but feel sad and miss him a little, like I had lost a part of my life that I had never really wanted to lose. That's when I finally realized that if I was to keep this baby it would mean completely changing who I am, something I wasn't sure I wanted. 

**A/N:** So what did you think? Sorry it's so short again. But at least I'm getting the chapters up faster so… Anyway, PLEASE review and let me know what you thought, good, bad, whatever.. I want to know. 


	15. chapter 15

**A/N:** Thanks to the following people for reviewing…

**Charmed Writer P4, #1 paige fan, MelodyFaith.**

And now on with the story….

x~x~x

That night I woke up startled and shaking. Paul stirred next to me and mumbled something that sounded like "are you okay". I told him that my back was just bothering me a little and that he shouldn't worry, to just go back to sleep. Luckily he listened and was snoring softly minutes later. 

            I waited till I was sure that he was really asleep again before I crept out of the bed. I would never tell Paul, but I didn't wake because of my back, but because of Glen. All day I had thought about him, about the way his gleaming eyes had looked at me this afternoon…as if he was disgusted with me, ashamed, disappointed. Picturing it now, hours after, I still felt hollow and sick inside. 

            Walking out of the bedroom I headed for the porch. Once I got there I sat down on the first wooden step and hugged my knees to my chest. It was a little cold and I was beginning to regret having come out here, but then I remembered that I had come to think and be alone and suddenly the occasional wind that hit my back and sent chills through me wasn't such a bad thing. 

            Sitting there on the steps I stared up at the sky and saw the stars glistening. Seeing them so clear I remembered the last time I had seen them like this…I was with Paul. Instinctively my hands lay on my stomach, where the baby we had created that night lay. I couldn't believe that I was actually carrying a baby within me. Who would have thought I would become a teenage mother? Not me that's for sure. I always expected something better, okay well nothing too glorious, but a high school diploma at least. 

            Thinking about all the circumstances that I had brought upon myself I began to weep, right there on the front porch. The salty regrets flooded from my eyes and fell onto my lap, soaking the material of my pajamas. I cried for my parents who I wished were here for me, I cried for Paul who wanted this baby more than anything in the world, I cried for Glen who I was sure was ashamed of me, I cried for myself and most importantly I cried for my baby whose future was so uncertain it scared me half to death. 

            I wondered if my birth parents had ever had these feelings and thoughts run through their heads when they had thought to give me up for adoption. Had they considered it to death, until they were 100% positive that nothing would be better for me? Had they cried day and night, knowing they would have to give me up? Did they argue for hours about the decision? Did my mother cry when she saw me emerge from inside her? Had she cried even more as she handed me over for the last time? Had she looked at ever feature in my face until she had me memorized, so I would stay forever in her memory?  I wondered and wondered for hours, until I saw the sun break through the horizon, threatening day to come. 

            And then, as if nothing had ever crossed my mind I opened the front door and walked back inside, unsure of how having sat on the porch helped me, yet sure that it somehow had. 

x~x~ PRESENT DAY ~x~x

            "So what about Glen? What happened between you two, did you see him again?" Phoebe asked, curiosity written all over her face.

            "Yea, I saw him upon occasion when I walked to the school in the afternoon to meet Paul after classes. He never said a word to me though, he would just nod, like he recognized me, but wasn't sure, you know?" Paige replied, quietly.

            "Yea honey, I understand." Piper said, placing a hand on Paige's shoulder. The entire time that Paige had recalled her past Piper had done nothing but play with the corner of a blanket. She would have liked to be enthralled with this story as much as Phoebe seemed to be, but she just couldn't bring herself to feel that way. Instead she felt depressed and miserable, as though she were in Paige's shoes as the whole thing was occurring. She still couldn't believe the kind of life Paige had lead before she had arrived at the Halliwell manor. She never would have guessed that she was so troubled. 

            "So you stopped school when you were how far along?" Phoebe inquired.

            "Umm…I think I was about five months, maybe a little more." Paige said yawning. 

            The second Piper saw Paige yawn her eyes darted to the small black alarm clock that sat atop the side table. Its green neon lights read 2:30. 

            "I think it's time we all go to bed. It's already two-thirty in the morning and I don't know about myself but you two look as though you are going to fall over any minute." Piper said, the big sister traits that she had inherited not so long ago shining through. 

            "Right back at ya sis." Phoebe joked. 

            Only Piper laughed. Paige just sat there, staring at the wall in front of her. Although normally no one would notice, Piper and Phoebe immediately picked up on it. 

            "Paige honey, you okay?" Piper asked, worried. 

            "I'm….I'll be fine…." 

            "I'll be fine isn't good enough for us, we're staying here with you tonight." Phoebe said.

            "Guys, really, just go…" Paige whined.

            "Paige, we're staying, end of story." Piper said getting up off the bed. 'Phoebe and I are going to get our blankets and pillows, we'll be back in a second."

            Paige just nodded.

            Piper and Phoebe proceeded to make their way out of Paige's bedroom, both feeling a little insecure about leaving her by herself. When they were far enough from the room that Paige couldn't hear them Piper broke down. 

            "Phoebe I'm really, really worried. Did you see her? She looks horrible and the way she's talking…it's just, it's horrible."

            "Piper, Paige is a strong person. She'll get through this little déjà vu session. She just feels the need to relive her past for a day or two and we shouldn't stand in her way. Besides, we should be lucky it's just a memory and nothing more. Can you imagine if she were actually going through it right now? That would be ten times as worse." 

            "Yea, I guess you're right." Piper whispered, still unsure. 

            "Piper, come on, let's just get our stuff and get back in there. Even though she won't admit it she wants us to be there with her." Phoebe said, running into her room and quickly gathering her pillow and blanket. 

            Piper lingered in Phoebe's doorway a few seconds and then went and did the same as Phoebe, collecting her belongings for the night. 

            Minutes later they were back in front of the threshold to Paige's room, both scared to go back in, yet now completely confident that they had to. 

            Phoebe was first. Carefully she opened the door and set one foot inside. Suddenly she turned around and brought her finger up to her lips.

            "Shh, Paige's asleep." She whispered.

            Sure enough, as Piper walked into the room she saw Paige silently sleeping, her head falling off the hand that she had it propped up with. Careful, so as not to wake her, Piper set her down onto the pillows and pulled the blankets up to her chin. Then she placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and moved over to the window seat, preparing for a night as a guardian. 

            Phoebe also kissed Paige and then moved over to where Piper sat, embracing her in a hug. 

            "She'll be fine. Tomorrow she'll tell us how it all ended and than she'll move on." Phoebe whispered into Piper's hair. 

            "I sure hope you're right." Piper answered back. 

            Phoebe just nodded and placed her pillow and blanket on the floor, turning the bedside lamp off. 

*           *           *

            Piper jumped up suddenly wide awake. The alarm clock read 4:30. Piper looked around puzzled, unsure of why she had awakened. Then she saw Paige thrashing around on her bed. In seconds she had moved over to her bedside, shaking her to try and get her to wake. Paige however remained asleep. 

            "No, no…not my baby!!" Paige mumbled. 

            Piper shuttered as she heard the words being uttered from Paige's mouth. She was dreaming of her baby. 

            "Paige, honey, wake up. Come on, wake up." Piper said a little louder. 

            From the floor she heard Phoebe stir. 

            "Wha…what's the matter." She said as her sleepy face peeked over the other side of the bed. 

            "It's nothing, Paige is just having a nightmare."

            "Oh…got…" Phoebe said, falling back asleep. 

            Piper laughed a little, Phoebe could always sleep through anything. 

            Suddenly Paige jumped up, her breathing staggered and sweat pouring down her face. 

            "You're okay, you're okay…" Piper said, rubbing Paige's back as she tried to help Paige break herself from the remnants of her nightmare. 

            "Oh Piper…" Paige said, sobbing into her shirt. 

            "Shh..shh…it's okay, everything is going to be okay, tell me what happened?"

            "I…I dreamt about Paul, Glen, the baby, everything. Oh God Piper…" Paige said, breaking down once again, this time uncontrollably. 

            Piper wished she could do something, but she knew she just had to sit back and let Paige cry. It was the best way for her to start dealing with everything. When she had finally begun to settle down Piper spoke again. 

            "Paige, that all happened a long time ago. You have a new life now."

            "But my old life still lingers here," Paige said, placing a hand on her heart, "and it walks around somewhere outside these walls." 

            Piper looked at Paige puzzled. 

            "What do you mean it walks around?" 

            "Well it was probably late June I…no wait, I can't do this…" Paige said stopping. 

            "Paige you have to, it's the only way for you to move on."

            "No that's not what I mean. I can't just tell you because than Phoebe will never know, and she deserves to know about my past just as much as you do." 

            "Alright, I understand." Piper said, "But tomorrow morning after breakfast we are all going to go into the living room and talk about this. Promise me?" 

            Paige nodded and laid back down, closing her eyes. 

            Piper watched her until her breathing evened out and then she went back to sleep, knowing that in the morning they would bury Paige's pain forever. 

**A/N:** What did you guys think? I tried to add lots of sisterly moments. =D=D

Review and let me know what you thought!! 


	16. chapter 16

**A/N:**  Sorry for the delay, it's been really hectic lately. Thanks to **Charmed Writer P4**, **molly, MelodyFaith **and **paige** fan** for reviewing!!**

x~x~x

            "Isn't it nice to be out of your bedroom?" Phoebe joked as she plopped onto the couch.

            "Yea, it is sort of nice. After yesterday I'd like to be out of my room for awhile…" Paige responded half heartedly. 

            From the kitchen came Piper, three cups of coffee in her hands. She gave one to Paige, another to Phoebe and kept one for herself. Sitting on the couch next to Paige she got comfortable, ready to listen to the conclusion to Paige's story. 

            "So Paige, you ready?" Piper inquired. 

            "As ready as I'll ever be," she sighed. "Okay so anyway, it was late June. I was supposed to be going to dinner with Paul, but he was running a little late so.."

*FLASHBACK*

            I paced the bedroom multiple times before I began to think that maybe Paul was never going to show. We were scheduled to have dinner at 6pm and now, almost an hour later, I knew something must be up. Normally I wouldn't care if Paul was late, after all it would give me more time to take a nap or something seeing as now-a-days I was always tired and achy, however tonight was the night I planned on talking to Paul about the baby; something I had been getting the courage to do for months now.

            Tired of waiting in the bedroom I made my way downstairs. On every other occasion the downstairs area was restricted to me during the evening hours, but tonight I didn't care. Let Paul's parents have a fit, I was going downstairs to wait for Paul and that was that. 

            Getting to the living room I proceeded to sit down on the couch and wait. Minutes passed without disturbances and then out of nowhere Paul's father appears in the doorway. He stares at me for a few minutes and then sits down on the sofa opposite the one I was sitting in. 

            The awkward silence that I expected only lasted a minute or two, when suddenly Paul's father began to speak to me. 

            "You're getting really big." He said. 

            I didn't know whether to take that as an insult or a compliment, but I went for the latter. 

            "Well I'm seven months pregnant and although I keep telling the doctors that I think I'm too big they assure me that at this stage it's perfectly normal to look like a house." 

            He laughed. I froze. Never would I have expected Paul's father to share a joke with me. 

            "So, how's it been sleeping up there with Paul? Has he kicked you as much as that baby?" 

            "Uhh…haha….not really, he's been really great. He'll make an excellent father, he's so protective of us…." I stopped, unsure of what else I should say. I felt like all the words that escaped my lips were being recorded to be used against me later. To be honest it made me a bit uneasy. 

            "Paige…umm…I don't really know how to say this but…."

            "But what sir?" 

            "Well see…seven months ago when Paul came to us with the news that he was going to be a father I must admit I was a bit shocked. My son wasn't the kind of person to rush off and have unsafe sex. I was furious with him, as with myself for not having taught him well enough. However, soon I realized that it wasn't really all Paul's fault, but your fault as well…

            I began to feel my blood boil, but contained myself from starting a confrontation. 

              "After all you also allowed him to have unsafe sex with you. Neither of you had thought about what might happen because of your actions. Anyway… I can't tell you I didn't hate you at first, because I did, but then I began to think and I realized that if I hate you I hate my grandchild. That's just not fair is it? After all, it was there his or her stupid parents who decided to have her without being ready. They shouldn't pay for that…."

            "Mr. Holton, is there a point here?" I said, not caring that I was being rude. 

            "Well as a matter of fact there is…you see I do like you know Paige, because I need to be there for my grandchild. So whether you like it or not I will be involved in this child's life and I am terribly sorry that my wife and I have neglected to help you nourish for this child. So do you forgive me?"

            "No, not now!! No!!" 

            "What? I'm asking you to forgive me and you won't. Fine…then when this baby does come I won't give a shit. See how well you and Paul survive without our help!!" 

            "No! No! It's not that…it's….my…my water broke…." I said, my face turning into one of fear as I looked at Mr. Holton. 

            "Ohmigod, okay umm…where's your bag?"

            "My bag? Umm…uhh….oh god why now!! Why now?!?!?..." 

            "Paige you have to relax. Listen to me, where is the bag that you and Paul packed for the hospital?" Mr. Holton said, getting off his seat and grabbing onto my shoulder, making my face stare right at his. 

            "Umm…okay, it's…uhh….upstairs…..right next to the…..uhhh….door….yea…." I said, between staggered breaths. 

            "Okay, I'll be right back, hang in there and keep breathing." He said, dashing up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. 

            By the time he returned my contractions were less than 5 minutes apart and I was dying to get this baby out of me. The pain that ripped through every inch of my body was horrifying, worse than anything I had ever felt. At that moment I would rather have been thrown off a building and broken every bone in my body than have to feel that pain. 

            "Okay, hold my hand, we have to get you to my car." He said, grabbing onto my hand. I leaned heavily into him as I rose.

            "Ahhhhhh!!!!" I screamed, a huge contraction overcoming me. 

            "It's okay, it's okay…breathe…" Mr. Holton couched me. 

            Mrs. Holton, who had apparently heard my scream came running in from the kitchen. 

            "What the hell is going on?" She asked, panicked. For a second between my state of intense pain I actually thought she was worried for me. However when I saw her standing there, not doing a thing to help, I realized she would never care for me. 

            "It's Paige, she's going into labor." Mr. Holton answered. "Honey I need you to contact Paul somehow."

            "Why?" She asked calmly.

            "Why?!?! Maybe because he's about to become a father." Mr. Holton answered, already opening the front door. 

            "Oh alright I'll leave him a "911" on his beeper." She huffed, heading back toward the kitchen.

**PRESENT DAY**

            "That was one of the last times I ever saw Mrs. Holton and I'll never forgive her for what she did next." Paige said angrily.

**A/N:** Sorry it was so short. Next chapter will be up soon… I hope. Once Holiday Break starts it should be easy. Until then please review!! 


	17. chapter 17

**A/N:** Aren't you all going to love this?!? Two chapters in less than a week!! I had a snow day so I had time to write. Yay!! So here you guys go, to make up for the length of time it took me to post the last chapter you guys get another one!! Think of it as my holiday present to everyone!! Enjoy!! 

Thanks to **MelodyFaith and ****Paigefan for reviewing!!**

The artificial lighting seemed to beam down on me as I lay in the uncomfortable hospital bed later that day. 

            Two hours before from my body had immersed a perfect bundle of joy. 

            Although the process had been a tiring one, it was all worth it. The feeling of giving birth was soothing and spiritual…once it was over anyway. 

            I looked over to the corner of the room, where in a tiny glass bassinet lay a small pink bundle. 

            My precious Courtney Sage. 

            Paul and I had never discussed what last name to give our baby, although it really didn't matter. By tomorrow she wouldn't be ours anyway. 

            The tears came to my eyes as that thought danced around my head. I wondered, as I lay there, watching Courtney's chest rise up and down, if the decision I had made was a smart one. Paul and I had never discussed it, but at this moment was I really looking for his say in the matter…

            I had laid in that delivery room, screaming my head off, holding the hand of a nurse. Paul nowhere to be found. Mr. Holton, after having left me in the care of the hospital said he was going to go home and make sure Paul was on his way. As I watched him leave, I whispered a hoarse thank you, already calculating in my head how long it would take for Paul to come crashing through the delivery room doors. My estimation had been twenty minutes at most. 

            My guess had been off by hours. 

            He hadn't been there when Courtney arrived, when the nurses placed her in my arms, when I fed her, when she fell asleep in my arms for the first time, when she took my finger in her tiny hand, when the nurses had taken her for a check up, when I had made the decision that I had to give her up for adoption. 

            As hard as that decision was to make, it was even harder to deal with the aftermath. The second I uttered the words the nurses quickly took her away; their whispers vibrating through the room and sending an icy feeling through my veins. I begged them to let her stay in my room for the night till they sent her to another family in the morning and only because I began to have a panic attack when they shook their heads no did they change their minds and allow her to spend the night with me. 

            I wondered what it would be like for me tomorrow. To have to leave my little girl with people I had never met. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I hoped they would be nice to her, caring and warm. I secretly hoped they would someday tell her about me, although in a way I didn't want her to know. I understood what it was like to know your parents gave you up, the thoughts that ran through your head, that maybe they never loved you. That sensation of being the unloved one was not what I wanted for Courtney. Not now, not ever. 

            But not only did I wonder what would happen tomorrow in regards to Courtney, but also with myself. I had no one to go home with and tomorrow I was to leave the hospital, the doctor having informed me of this little issue earlier today. 

_Since you are giving her up for adoption you have to leave the hospital tomorrow, no later than __eight o'clock_._ The doctor's words replaying in my head. _

_Why do they want to pick Courtney up so early?_ I had asked. 

_They're picking her up at __noon_, but you need to be gone before that. We need your bed for nursing mothers. _Nursing mothers…what I would have been, but was not. _

_So when are you taking Courtney from me? _

_During the night.__ The doctor grimly responded. _

I had just nodded too tired to say anything at the moment. I would have fought him, but what was the point in that? They were going to take Courtney from me whether I wanted her gone or not. 

At that moment I heard the door of my room creak open, a figure walking in. I was too drugged and tired to tell who it was, but as he approached I realized it was Paul. 

"Paige…" He said, running up to the bed, completely ignoring Courtney in the bassinet.

            I turned my head, not wanting to talk to him.

            "Paige, listen to me, I know you're probably angry because you think I missed you giving birth, but I had no idea. My mother never called me. I was over at the beach, remember where we went when your parents died, trying to get this wonderful table set up so that I could surprise you by going there tonight and I was running a little late because my friend Tom, who was supposed to be watching everything till I came back with you was running late. Anyway, I come home and I find my dad pacing the living room yelling at my mother. The second he hears me he runs up to me flustered. He starts saying something about you in the hospital so I start thinking the worse and then I hear him utter she's having the baby and I flip. I couldn't believe no one had tried to reach me. I tried to get here as fast as I could, but with the traffic and all it was hard." Paul huffed the words out, obviously distressed. I was unsure whether I should believe him or not, but then I remembered how calmly Mrs. Holton had reacted when she saw me going into labor and I realized she probably had made the choice to not contact Paul.

            "Do you forgive me?" He asked, retrieving from inside his coat pocket two small bears, one pink and one blue. "I didn't know what we had so I figured why not get both." 

            "Well…why don't you find out for yourself what we had, look over there." I said, pointing toward the bassinet. 

            As if like a dream Paul slowly crept up to the bassinet, peeking inside. Once his gaze fell on Courtney, tears welled up in his eyes and some even managed to escape down his face. He reached down and grabbed her, walking back over toward me. 

            "So we had a girl huh?" He said softly, his eyes never leaving hers. 

            "Yep. Her name is Courtney Sage. What do you think?" 

            "I love it." He whispered, gently stroking Courtney's small fingers. 

            "I thought you would." I responded, barely above a whisper. I stared at the picture before me, my heart melting. Here, in front of my eyes, were two people I loved with all my heart. I wished I could stop time and preserve this moment forever, but life never gives you those benefits and I waited quietly for Paul to have his moment with his daughter before I told him what I had done.

            "Hey there Court, I'm your daddy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you know that? Well except for mommy over there. You two are my angels, I am so happy to have you both. We are going to have so much fun together. Daddy is going to build you a pretty princess house outside so you can play in the backyard. Oh and I'm going to give you a tire swing because everyone needs a tire swing, even mommy, who isn't like normal kids, had a tire swing." Paul said laughing.  "I can't wait to take you home and show you off to the world; my precious baby girl." He said planting a small kiss on her forehead, as her tiny eyes fluttered open; her soft hazel eyes staring up at Paul. I hated to have to do this to him, to us, but I had to tell Paul now, before he got too attached. 

"Paul, baby, she's not coming home with us. I…I gave her up for adoption." I said, the words suddenly feeling sour on my lips, leaving me with a feeling of pure nausea. 

**A/N:** So what will Paul's reaction be? Review and find out!! More to come soon!!


	18. chapter 18

**A/N:** Hey guys! Sorry it took me so long to update, but I was on vacation. I did however, manage to get pretty ahead of myself with this story so if I get lots of reviews I should be able to dish out a new chapter or two every week. So remember REVIEW!! And now on with the story…

      "You what? Why? How could you make that decision without me?" 

            "Paul, baby, I'm sorry but you weren't here and I didn't want to wait. I…I thought you didn't care about Courtney so I made the decision myself. If I had known you really did care I would have thought about keeping her, but I figured you didn't care and there was no way I was going to be able to take care of her all by myself. Besides, I was thinking of doing this for awhile now." I say. I probably should tell him that I now want to keep Courtney, but what is the point in that. I can't change what I have already done. 

            "But still…you could have waited!! I mean come on!!! I…I just don't understand why you would be so heartless. God knows whose going to take her, they could be horrible!!"

            "Or they could be kind and understanding, like my foster parents were. I don't understand why you are so against adoption…it really isn't such a horrible thing."

            "Paige…look at our baby girl…" Paul says, handing me Courtney. "Tell me that you don't love that precious angel in your arms; that her sweet little smile and her adorable green eyes don't just make your heart melt. Tell me!!"

            "I…I can't…" 

            "So then if you can't why do you want to give her to someone else so badly? Why do you want to leave this wonderful miracle?"

            "You want to know why Paul…the real reason why? Because I want to do something with my life, because I want to have a future. I want to go to college and I want to be a social worker. I want to be successful and start a family…when I'm ready. I don't want to be a teenage mom, who never made it through high school, who struggles to put food on the table!! That's not the kind of life I want for our daughter!!! And you should be more understanding!! But no…you can't be understanding can you, because you never think of anyone but yourself!! You ran around, doing something with your life for these last nine months while I sat at home like a log, never progressing, never accomplishing anything!! So don't tell me that I shouldn't have made this decision because you have no idea what I've been through!!"

            "Are you kidding me?!?! You are telling me you haven't done anything in nine months, what bullshit is that!! I gave you everything you wanted those nine months, not to mention you held Courtney within you and nourished her…isn't she a reward for the waiting and the loss of your goals. Doesn't she mean anything to you?!?!" I know he doesn't meant it, but the words still sting me. How can he think I don't care about Courtney. I love her with every inch of my heart, that's why I have to let her go, because I love her too much to watch her live a life with me, a life that I know will be filled with nothing but heartache and despair. 

            I try to utter these words to Paul, but they wouldn't come. All that comes in their place are salty tears, that race down my face in streams.

            It seems my words, or lack there of, make Paul realize what he has done, for he wraps his arms around me, bringing me closer to him. 

            "I'm sorry Paige, really I am, but…but….it's just….I mean, you can't tell me you don't want her anymore."

            I take a deep breathe, preparing myself to tell him the awful truth, what I am truly thinking. 

            "Okay you want to know the truth, here it is. Did I want to keep Courtney, no, I knew I wasn't the kind of person who could take care of a child, it just wasn't me. Do I want to keep her now, of course, more than I want anything in the whole world. However I can't change the decision I made. I've come to learn that life is just like that, you make stupid choices and then you have to deal with the consequences, end of story. That is why I have to just let Courtney go, because I can't do anything anymore. I just have to take a deep breathe and hope that the family that takes her under their wing will love her as much as I do at this moment." I say, the tears glazing my eyes as I stare down at my little girl who has drifted into peaceful sleep. 

            "We can keep her Paige, I can get my dad to talk to the hospital, he can tell them we decided to keep the baby."

            "Paul it's not that simple, they aren't going to let your dad do that, no matter how high up on the medical ladder he is."

            "Paige they will okay? Tomorrow we are leaving this hospital with Courtney!!" Paul says, the anger in his voice rising.

            "If you're so positive that she is coming home with us than call your dad right now and get him to tell them. I want to know before tomorrow comes along." I say, hoping that maybe Paul is right and to anxious to know if he's right tomorrow. 

            Paul doesn't speak, he just picks up the phone on the side table and begins dialing. I hold my breath as I faintly make out his father's voice on the other end. 

            "Yes Dad…a perfectly healthy little girl…yes a girl…Courtney, isn't that just beautiful. You should see her….yes Paige is doing really good…uh-huh….tomorrow, but listen Dad that's why I called, I need you to call the hospital and tell them that Courtney Holden is no longer up for adoption…..yea Paige made the decision….dad, dad, DAD, she didn't mean it okay? It was a mistake….yes a mistake which is why we have to fix it….well call whoever you have to, you have connections, you can do anything….uh-huh….okay yea….room 23…we'll be waiting for the call…alright talk to ya in a few…thanks."

            "He hates me again huh?" I ask, bashfully. 

            "No!! He doesn't hate you. He told me he was going to make some phone calls, we should know in an hour or so what happened. In the meantime you really should get some rest, you look exhausted. Have you slept at all today?"

            "Nope, too much has been going on for me to sleep…haha."

            "Haha, very funny, now come on." Paul says, taking Courtney from my hands and placing her in the bassinet. Then he pushes the recline button on the hospital bed.

            "Paul, really, I want to stay up and wait with you for your dad's call." I say, while trying to stifle a yawn. 

            "I saw that yawn missy. Just go to sleep okay, I'll wake you when he calls, although I expect the phone will wake you up anyway."

            "Okay, well if you'll wake me up then maybe I can just nap for a few minutes, but no more okay, wake me up in no more than a half hour." I say, feeling my eyelids slipping closed. 

*           *            *

            The half hour turned into six hours and I wake up to see Paul, off in the corner, holding Courtney in his arms, singing her a lullaby. 

            "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away."

            I clap, making Paul turn around. 

            "You're up." Paul says. I'm not sure but from where I am laying it looks as though he has been crying. 

            "Paul, you okay?" I ask concerned.

            "Yea, I'm fine. Why?"

            "You look like you've been crying."

            "Umm…no….I'm fine." He says, gently placing Courtney in her bassinet and taking the seat next to the bed. 

            "Did you sleep at all? Cause no offense but you aren't looking too hot yourself." I say jokingly.

            "No, I didn't really sleep much." Paul says, staring at the floor. 

            Through the blinds I can see the early haze of daylight. Suddenly I remember that Paul's dad is supposed to call to see if Courtney can come home with us today. 

            "Ohmigod Paul, did your dad call?"

            "Umm….yea…" 

            "And…?"

            "Well, umm….he couldn't do anything, not on this short notice. But he said he talked to the hospital and they said they would have the family take Courtney for the next couple months, until we can sort this whole mess out and then we get to come back and take her with us."

            "But what about that poor family? Won't they get attached?" 

            "Oh don't worry about it, they were only a temporary family anyway."

            "And how long would she have to stay there; with this family?"

            "I'm…I'm not really sure. It could be anywhere from three to nine months."

            "Nine months?!?!? By then she's theirs, not ours. She won't remember us, she'll be taken from what has become familiar to her, it'll be traumatic. I can't do that."

            "But Paige that's the only way. If you don't go along with this you'll never see her again."

            "Well then I guess I should say my goodbyes for the last time."  

**A/N:** Review!!


	19. chapter 19

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry it took me so long to update. Midterms were this past week and they left me with no time to do anything, especially get online. So because I've been cruel and left you guys without a new chapter for so long this time around you get two new chapters!! Yay for you guys!! Haha. Hope you like them. **

*           *           *

I sit in the vacant chair of the hospital room, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, courtesy of a young female nurse who works on the maternity ward. I had only maternity clothes to wear and she was kind enough to lend me something she had lying around at home, that she no longer had use for as it was "so last year." Plus, she looks to be about twenty-one and I figure she probably feels sorry for me. 

                Courtney lays quietly in a baby car seat that Paul's father dropped off at the front of the hospital earlier that morning. I wondered, after the nurse had delivered the car seat why he hadn't come up to give it to me himself and then it hit me, because I have taken away his granddaughter and now he really hates me.  He hates me so much in fact that along with the car seat he sent two large suitcases filled with all my things, even some of the things that I had given Paul for birthdays and such. I figured that much though, seeing as how Paul had stormed out of the hospital in a fit of rage. 

                I can still hear his screams _"fine then, leave her, leave me…I want nothing to do with you anymore. You took away our little girl!! You are heartless!!" _ I can still picture him as he walked over to Courtney's bassinet, kissed her the forehead and then whispered something in her ear, settling her cries which were started due to his yelling. Then he turned and looked at me one more time before running out the door. 

                I haven't heard from him since, almost five hours after. The only things I have received from him are my belongings and a note, that I have yet to read for fear of what it might say. I know things are pretty much over between Paul and I, but I don't want to read his horrible words to me, that is too much. I want to have a fantasy memory of how we ended things and I know that note will do no good. 

                I fidget with the hospital ID tag as I wait for the nurses to take Courtney away. I thought I would be able to meet Court's new family, but the nurses have recently informed me that that will not be happening, as it seemed Courtney's adoptive parents are going to be arriving a little later than scheduled, not to mention I have to leave the hospital minutes after Courtney is to be taken away.

                I drift in and out of random thoughts, memories and dreams as I wait there, staring at Courtney, trying to memorize all her features. I want to remember her like this forever, long after she has been taken from me, long after both she and I had moved on with our lives. I close my eyes and see her behind my lids, her chubby little arms and legs, her cute little dimples, her tiny, thin hazelnut hair, her gummy smile and her tired yawn. All of it is there, every little detail floats through my head to form the image of my precious baby girl. I just hope the memory will be there forever. 

*PRESENT DAY*

                "…and it is still there. I can still close my eyes and see her there, just the way she looked about nine years ago. There are nights in fact that I lay in bed and see her, dream of her. I try to imagine how she looks now, what kind of house she lives in, what her adoptive parents are like, all of that. Most days I think of her and it's okay, doesn't bother me too much, but then there are those few days when all I want is for her to be beside me, and those days are the hardest. Because I know she will never be with me and I will never see her again. I just wish that I could have my life to live again, so that I could choose to keep her, instead of letting the best thing that ever walked into my life leave like everything else." Paige says, tears streaming down her face as she clutches the tea cup, her knuckles turning white. 

                Piper and Phoebe sit there stunned, not sure what to say. Never could they imagine the horrific life that their baby sister had gone through. When she had stepped into their lives they never once imagined that she would hold such dark secrets. 

                "So…so what did you do after they took her?" Phoebe whispers, hoping that the answer to the question will mean that Paige can skip over the details of giving up Courtney, in order to lessen the hole that has begun to form in her heart, by the telling of the story. 

                "Well I was kicked out of the hospital so I was standing outside, a girl and her luggage attempting to figure out what to do with myself when suddenly it hit me…"

**A/N: Review and continue onto the next chapter!!**


	20. chapter 20

*FLASHBACK*

            I cram myself and my luggage into the tiny phone booth as I rummage through my purse, searching for a quarter. Upon finding one I dial a number I have known by heart for years, ever since I could speak. 

            The phone rings a few times and then I hear a rusty voice.

            "Hello." They answer.

            "Hello, who is this?"

            "Who is this? You're the one that called here. What is it you need?"

            "May I speak to Glen please?" I ask.

            "Glen, oh sure. Hold on."

            I hear Glen's father yell out his name and in moments Glen's voice rings through my ears. 

            "Hello."

            "Glen? Is that you?" I ask, hoping. 

            "Yes, this is Glen, who is this? Is this Paige?"

            "Yea…it's me Glen."

            "Paige, ohmigod, how are you? How's pregnant life? When are you due, it's only a few weeks that you have left now right?"

            "Uhh…well Glen see that's the thing….I…"

            "Your limit is up, please insert 25 cents into coin slot to proceed with this call."

            "Crap! Uhh…I don't have 25 cents….umm, okay….Glen can you just come by San Francisco Memorial…please I need you." I say desperately. 

            I wait for an answer, but none seems to come and then I hear the dial tone and realize that I have lost my connection with Glen. Now all I can do is wait and hope he'll come to my rescue. 

*           *           *

            "So Paige, what happened?"

            "What do you mean?' I ask, trying to play stupid. Two years ago I would have poured my heart out to Glen, right on the spot. However, now it seems only Paul can be my confidant. I feel shy and embarrassed around Glen. 

            "Come on Paige, cut it out. Four or five months ago I saw you and you were pregnant, now you have no visible stomach and you look as though you may die at any moment. Did you miscarry or what?"

            "No, no. I…I had the baby, but…"

            "It didn't pass away did it?" Glen asks, concerned.

            "No, that wasn't it either. I…I made the decision to give it up for adoption." I blurt out, my chest tightening. 

            "Oh Paige…" Glen says, pulling over into an alley. 

            "Glen, please, it's nothing. Don't worry about it okay?"

            "But Paige, you look horrible. It must have been so hard for you to give the baby up."

            "It was, but I'll be okay. I just need a place to crash for a few days. Is it okay if I stay with you? Until I find a place to live? I hate to intrude on you and your family, but I have no one, no place to go, nothing. I'm all alone."

            "Paige, it's alright. Come on, let's take you to my house. You can stay as long as you'd like."

            "Thanks." I say, turning to look out the window.

****

**A/N: Short chapter I know, but you got two this time around. Haha. REVIEW!! PLEASE!!**


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